Monday, March 15, 2010

Half and half... and half and half

I am never complete anymore. I always feel like I am doing a half job. I feel like I cannot give 100% in anything.

I am not the excellent employee that I was. My mind and thoughts are always preoccupied with my child and my home. I feel guilty for doing a half job because I know I am doing it. I cannot ever focus completely on Fedex. I feel like that makes me a bad employee.
I am not as good a friend as I used to be. I never have time to call or listen. I can barely squeeze 10 minutes in for a friend. Days go by before I remember or make time for a friend. I am slow getting out thank you notes. I feel like that makes me a bad friend.
I used to be proud that I could work so much and still do good at home. Now there is never anytime for cleaning or organizing. I still haven't gotten completely moved. I still havent unpacked. I still havent decorated. Somedays I dont have time to cook. I feel like that makes me a bad "homemaker"
I used to be a good girlfriend. I'd plan dates and trips and special outings. I' make sure to always make time for Jason. Now we barely spend 10 minutes a day together. Sure we might be in the same house, but either I am playing with Audrey, feeding Audrey, cleaning Audrey, or holding Audrey. I feel like that makes me a bad girlfriend.

I even feel like I cannot give 100% as my job as a mother. It is imopssible for me to give 100% to anything when I have so much crammed into a day. My plate was full before Now I just got a big heaping spoonful ontop of an already full plate. I am spilling stuff!!!

Even though I feel overwhelmed and like I am doing half jobs - I know I must be giving all to something... Yes, I am giving all to something. I am giving 100% to being a mother. That is why my thoughts at work are filled with her. That is why it breaks my heart to leave her at daycare which in turn affects my attitude at work. That is why I take a break every 3 hours to pump milk for her. That is why my cell phone rings constantly with calls from Dr's and daycare. That is why I dont give 100% at work. At home I have been gone from her all day so that is why cleaning, cooking, unpacking, and decorating take a backseat. That is why my friendships suffer because either she is awake and I want to give my attention to her or she is sleeping and I need to catch up on the housework I have pushed aside. That is why I am not a good gorlfriend because when I get a few minutes I try to call a friend I havent talked to in a while or write a thankyou note. And if you refer back to last weeks post that is why I lost Julie because there is 0% left for her...


Okay there was my rough draft - Now I will organize these thoughts for you. You have heard of the saying the straw that broke the camels back. Well thats what having a baby did to me. I really gave all to everything before. I went to work every day and I was the person everyone would call when they needed answers or something done. I was truly the best. In the evening I would come home and cook dinner every night and clean the house. I would then spend an hour or two with Jason talking - reconnecting. Then before bed I would make time for a friend. I would call them or text them. Write notes and letters... Then there would be a little me time before I went to sleep. Now its just so different and I want to give up something. I feel like I cannot do all those things. Unfortunately my friends are suffering the most. They are the ones that are getting pushed to the side and I am truly sorry. (Keep reading it'll make sense in the end)
Sunday was a BEAUTIFUL day - the first relaxing day in weeks. We woke up and I got to feel like a good mom. I got to feed and play with my baby. She is happiest in the morning and it breaks my heart I miss that almost every day. When she took her first nap I got to get all the housework done - that felt good. She woke back up and I got to play and cuddle with her again. She took another nap. and I started dinner. She woke up and I got to enjoy her again. Then I gave her to daddy and I finished dinner. She took her next nap and I got to eat - using BOTH hands!!! And I took some ME time. I also got to call a friend and have a good non rished conversation. One more nap for Audrey and I got to clean up from dinner and get ready for the next day. When she woke up we got to have our last play time then bathtime then cuddle time then bed. I did not feel stressed or rushed. I felt good. I felt accomplished. Mostly I felt like a good mom.
Work - I mean fedex work - I had no job to go to! And now it makes me wish I could be a stay at home mom even more than before....

I suppose I will adapt and achieve some balance with an overflowing plate - I just haven't figured it out yet...

1 comment:

  1. Aw. I am sorry you are feeling like this. It has to be tough- I have so much respect for working moms because I do not think I am capable of it. My mom was a working mom and she was AMAZING-- she may have always felt rushed and split.. but I never knew it! And neither will Audrey. I'll be thinking about you!