Monday, May 24, 2010

To Krissy

We loose so much of ourselves after having that first love of fresh light brought into the world. To most it is a strange and wonderous land.Giving life and keeping it on a sensible path .Learning things never thought of when we were young and thriving ,relearning as we go .Afraid every step that someone will see you trip from your own straight and narrow path. As they seem to slip away from you as soon as they are born,we as mothers seem to struggle to cling to their needs as a crutch for survival. Some form we feel needed to exist.True for most.Most being one as myself.Looking at pictures glancing into my thoughts scared of what might happen if I close my eyes to go to sleep. In a blink of an eye,they are gone from us,smiling with a tender heart .This you know ,you have instilled upon them.Where do we go from here? Does anyone know?I so dearly wish I had the answer.Perhaps, they will need me now and again ,as I wait till called upon. I live,I live deep in the shadows of my fears,smiling with a tender heart. Opal Krissy Dambaugh

She wrote this for me (and other mothers) today. It goes along with what I have been thinking of blogging all weekend.

I am a different person than I was before. I blogged before about how I had to merge my old self and my new self. Well I have done so and I can remember who I was and how I am so different now.
Physically - Well this is known (mostly) only to me. I did not realize how much pregnancy can change a body. I am not used to my physical self yet, it is so different than what I used to feel like.
No more pretty dangly earring and matching necklaces. No more rings and bracelets. Those will come back with time I know, but not any time soon. No more pretty clothes - I am lucky if I match and when I do match I probably have spit up, snot, or slobber somehwere on my shirt!
Mentally - In one way I am not as sharp as I used to be. My mind is always preoccupied with Audrey. And when its not I am dealing with lack of sleep.
In another way, I process things totally different now. I worry about her. Is she going to be ok. Do I need to do aomething about that cough. Is it ok if she does this... I even worry about myself more because I need to be here for her. I am more careful driving. More careful everywhere becasue I need her to be safe and I need to be safe for her. I never worried about silly things before.
All these new thoughts all these new feelings. The old carefree worryfree Julie is gone for good. But a better Julie is here now Julie, Audrey's mom.
Motherhood is about teach and learning. I always knew having a child would let me experience life again - youth again. I just have to be sure not to get caught up in the world and forget to notice what she is noticing for the first time. I sit there and I watch her look at the cat. I see her reach for the cat. Is she thinking anything. Does she wonder what is this. I know she is small, but her thinking process will begin soon - if not already begun.
Do as I say and not as I do... We all want to say that sometimes, but we cant live like that. We need to live in a way that if our children acted just like us we wouldnt be ashamed. I wont say anymore because I also need to "practice what I preach"
Right now I am the most needed person in her life. I like that. I can imagine as she grows and needs others how I will cling to each little need she has from me. And I pray I can be the type of mother that no matter who comes and goes in her life I will always be in some form needed.
Afraid to go to sleep... In a blink of an eye they are gone... This is what pains my heart so much alreay about being a mom. I feel like I am missing so much. I work so hard when I see her to be there for everything. So if I "hover" when you are holding her. If I dont want that break or if I neglect all things for now just remember 5 days out of her 7 are not spent with me. These moments I can never get back. The moments I have I want to enjoy every one.

Where do we go from here? Does anyone know?I so dearly wish I had the answer.Perhaps, they will need me now and again ,as I wait till called upon. I live,I live deep in the shadows of my fears,smiling with a tender heart.
I am only a mother to a baby - and yes she needs me. I know as children grow older they need thier mothers less and less. I listened to the radio this morning and they listed the 3 stages of motherhood. I missed the first but it was ages birth through 12 and the recap said it was mostly about meeting thier needs and keeping them safe. The second was ages 12-21 being part confidant part coach. They should be able to confide in you but you should be able to coah them along as well. And finally parenting and adult. He said be thier counsellor. He said hopefully you parented so they know they can come to you to seek advice.
I dont know how this will work out, but I hope I can be there for her for years to come...

2 comments:

  1. how awesome is this ...I wrote this over a year ago found from my myspace blogs.. Zack is growing so fast in front of my eyes ..I wouldn't trade one moment of it....I saw how Audrey was growing right before our eyes and thought of you...we all have a link together you are never alone...smiles....

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